Imagine losing your loved one and as you are going through the grieving process, someone (be it close or not) says to you:
“Don’t worry, you’ll have another one.”
“There’s time for another.”
“Take comfort that it was still small.”
What would you do? Look at the person in disbelief, shake your head and say angrily ‘Yeah, that’s right. I’ll have another (insert loved one)!’ or ‘Sure, there’s time for me to spend more time with the tombstone of my dead loved one!’
Seems a reasonable response to me. The insensitive jerk who said it deserves a sarcastic and upfront response.
When you go through a miscarriage, the feelings that engulf you would take you by surprise. You become numb – wondering if it was a bad dream or you get consumed by it. Striking the delicate balance is something that is enough to make you go crazy.
I was put on a week’s leave. I spent time in isolation, surrounded by my in-laws’ cats, and tried to carry on as normal as possible. Which is impossible. I was overwhelmed with sadness. My own sadness surprised me as I thought I had accepted it. This is evidence that hormones play a huge part in your well-being. Think PMS X 10000.
As a close friend (a mother herself) puts it, “No matter what, there was a heartbeat. It is still your child. There was a living thing inside you.”
What I wanted the most was:
- support
- listening ear/shoulders
- the ability to let me grieve and get through it.
- hugs
- people to check on me that I’m alright. That I wasn’t alone in going through this.
What I received were:
- unsolicited advice like the above. “Let it go. Don’t be too sad or hung up over it.”
Which made me more depressed and screaming in my head ‘No, it’s NOT THE SAME. NO, you DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!! JUST LET ME BE!!!’ - friends who didn’t know what to say and end up with inept responses like ‘You can try again,’ and/or disappear altogether to supposedly, let you have your own space and time. The truth was that they didn’t know what to say or do so they took their chicken shit out of there.
- questions like ‘why do you feel like this?’
It is awkward when you don’t know what to say or do. Nothing you say can take away the pain. Nothing you do can make anything better. But with any kind of illness, it’s the support and hope that someone brings to give them the strength to carry on. I’m not saying miscarriage is an illness. Excessive grief is. Excessive of anything is detrimental.
Yes, we get suicidal. We get manic depression. What helps is ASK the person what can you do to help? What can you do to support them now?
Even though they say they don’t need anything, they truly do. Send them messages. Even if you can’t check back on them often, let them know. They appreciate it. Encourage the husband. Men don’t show their emotions or worse, they don’t know what to do with them. They may get frustrated with why their wives are behaving like it’s the end of the world. They are practical and logical thinkers but the wives are the ones who undergo emotional and physical changes to their body.
It’s ok to talk about miscarriage after you’ve gone through it. It helps with the healing. It helps someone else who has gone through what you did.
Sometimes, a stranger’s support may be all that you need.
Little one, this is for you. 