I lost you.

I lost you and I never knew.

It’s taken me a few weeks to getting back to writing. It’s an ordeal that kept me adrift on memory, hormones and coping with it.

I had a week of cramps and most days, the cramps were awfully painful. I had to lie with a hot water bottle pressed against my left side of the tummy and uterus. I was still bleeding all this time…which means I’m bleeding for about 1.5 months now.

Daddy and I have huge fights and the pain gets worse after that. We are worried about you and Mommy feels crap about all of this. I feel so neglected, abandoned, challenged and I’m tired of explaining to Daddy. I’m tired of telling him the way I feel has nothing to do with him but I do need him to assure and calm me.

It’s not been easy for me. Perhaps it’s harder on Daddy.

When I went to the doctor on 11 Feb, the scan showed nothing. Dr turned the monitor to me and I saw the static noise of the monitor and the black hole in the middle that was my womb. That’s what I felt, a black hole, when he said ‘There’s no more heartbeat. It’s empty.’ and outlined my womb. I nodded and Daddy kissed me and held my hand. He said it’s alright and a tear slid out from  me. I said sorry and both Dr and Daddy said it’s ok. I felt numb. And that’s how I felt for a while.

I smile and I speak to people over the phone and I conducted training. But sometimes, I reminisce. I get a pang of black abyss that tugs at my heart. I try to ignore it. I go to the toilet and cry for a while. I feel better for a while but most times, I’m just numb.

I was in a lot of pain again on 16 Feb. Daddy and I fought because of my condition. I asked him to google possibilities of my bleeding, just wanting reassurance, but it set off a barrage of emotional questions that as usual, I couldn’t answer. I didn’t want to go to the doc because we were due for a checkup on 25 Feb anyway.

The Dr at KK sucked. She was curt, inattentive and asked me 3 times what was wrong with me, who told me I had a miscarriage, and asked such similar questions which I’ve answered before.

I had a vaginal scan where she probed around and I was thankful Daddy was with me. I was in pain and this irritating prick was testing whatever little patience I had left. I was put on antibiotics for a week due to a risk of infection. This meant that my womb is at risk and if I develop a fever due to the infection, I might not be able to have kids anymore.

I finally stopped bleeding on 23 Feb.

Today, 25 Feb, is the day of the cleanup. Dr said the womb is empty and there isn’t a need for a cleanup. When he said it, it brought back memories… the nurse at the payment counter asked why I have an ‘open date’ on my pregnancy booklet. She asked if we were going back to our country (assuming we are foreigners). There were 2 other nurses and a couple at the counter. I said there wasn’t a need for a follow up anymore and she asked again, oh how come? You going back to your country? When Daddy said we are Singaporeans, she asked again why we have an open date. I raised my voice and said bec there is no more baby. The couple and the other 2 nurses turned to look at us. I was flabbergasted that KK’s service staff are just useless, tactless and insensitive.

I only had ONE good experience out of the many visits with them. I like Dr Tan at AMK though. Just that the rest of KK staff… just sucked. Especially when something like this happens, you just don’t want to be reminded of it.

I broke down little one. I did. I have started insomnia a few days now. I lost my appetite but I force-feed myself so I can get better. I cried, knowing that I lost you. I cried, remembering the times I found out about you, the time that I found you were not growing and that you are no longer with us.

I cried a little, not fully. Just when it, whatever it could be, hits.

The pang of emptiness. The rhetorics. The abyss.

It hits you like a slow breath-taking icy wind and sucks the life out of you. No words to describe what you feel. No words.