Why I write this blog

Welcome!

I’m a mother to a lovely princess and a handsome boy.  They are just 1 year 9 months apart.

This blog is to share my journey of pregnancy and managing two children under two years with others who may be experiencing the same. It’s my hope that one day, my children will read this and understand the ups and downs of what we went through.

This is a reminder of what I had to go through (bleeding for close to 4 months, miscarriage, breast lump discovery/removal, journey to recovery and pregnancy) and a form of closure for the dark period.

I write when I can and when I know I can write as objectively as I can.

I’m not an expert but I read up a lot. What I felt was lacking during my miscarriage period was the support. People say the darndest and wrong things. I hope my journey would help you overcome the painful period. During my pregnancy and raging hormones, people continued to irritate me with their opinions and such… and I share how I got through them.

Feel free to connect with me. Would love to hear from you 🙂

 

Welcoming our Happiness!!

14 Jul ‘15

The day you were born.

Your position was ready to come out anytime for a few weeks now. Mommy had to endure the weight and the ever-increasing pressure on my pelvis. I was kinda afraid if you’ll literally pop out anytime.

I didn’t know what kind of contractions pain to expect since I was already in aches and pains anyways. Braxton Hicks’ were more frequent but not long enough to be considered a contraction. I had to keep timing to make sure.

When I was walking up and down the room about 3am, the pains got more intense…time between each one was getting shorter… and faster.

Everyone was eating sahur (pre-dawn meal) when I felt weak and contractions came every 15 mins. Grandma said to call the ward and get going to hospital.

So all of us piled into the car and I started zikir (saying God’s name) and squeezing Daddy’s hands with each contraction.

Warded at 5.40am

I was warded and distributed copies of my birth plan to the nurses. I wanted to be mobile as much as I can.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t have anything to eat. Just plain water to drink so that my bowels would be empty.

Epidural at 9.25am

The laughing gas didn’t work for me. I was adamant not to have epidural but at 9.25am, I gave in.

I couldn’t sit nor stand anymore with each squeeze of the pain. It felt like someone was squeezing my intestines and wrangling it dry.

The nurse gave me the forms to read and the anaesthetist came to explain the procedure.

I had to hold on to Daddy as the anaesthetist tried to find the space in-between my spinal bones. He could only poke the needle in when there was no contraction. It hurts. Sticking a long, thick needle into the back HURTS. I was crying, sobbing so hard from the disappointment of getting the epi even more than the pain itself.

He had to do it THREE times cos the needle couldn’t stick through all the way. Something about me being too bony at the back.

Dilation at 9.50am

I’m at 6cm dilated. The HoD came with some students to say hi. He said I should be giving birth by 2pm.

Waterbag break at 10.30am

A LOT of water and blood gushed out once Prof Su broke my waterbag. That involves putting in a stick-like device with a hook at the end. Yes. It hurts.

By this time, various people had poked me around to check dilation. I couldn’t move at all from the pain and the paralyzed feeling of my legs. The epi made me numb waist down. I couldn’t even prop my legs up myself.

You changed your mind…again!

2pm came and went… and I didn’t feel the contractions at all nor the urge to push.

I started pushing at 3.40pm while the ward called Prof. She was teaching and we can only hope she makes it in time!

Daddy said he can see your thick wad of hair crowning. I couldn’t feel anything and it was hard for me to push.

You were born at 1606h.

My little girl. Our Falisha (happiness).

 

 

Confinement is over!

To be honest, I’m very fortunate that I don’t have a confinement diet. Both sets of parents (mine and in-laws) aren’t particular and they left it to me to manage my own.

It is thus, funny, that today is the 39th day of my so-called confinement. And confinement is over tomorrow – Day 40.

The Asians have a strict confinement period/diet which is passed down from generations. The practices can be dated and very strange (don’t wash hair, ONLY drink red date tea) which was applicable in olden times but not practical in modern, humid Singapore. People don’t bathe in the morning and they have this funky smell in 10mins that they stepped out the door…what more if you can’t/not allowed to wash your hair?! *shudders

Why the month-long period? Confinement basically is the 30-40 day window where your body recuperates from the shock of birth. You take your herbs, rest well (but really, what rest?), and repair yourself to give the best (to come) for baby.

I drank red date/longan/ginger tea, TONS of water to ease the water retention, ate nuts, oats, nursing tea and normal food. When you take everything in moderation, you truly can enjoy them. I didn’t take much spicy food/curries/seafood etc which causes gastric/heartburn/allergy/itch

Further, I’m breastfeeding.so I just have to be careful on curries!

Taking care of little one has left us exhausted and screwed-up body clocks. I didn’t feel confined at all as every waking (and resting) moment was spent taking care of her. Yes, I longed to go out but that was truly secondary when you are running on low battery.

I think I went out thrice during this confinement period. All of them to the docs for follow-ups. Hahah exciting right!

I took delight in visitors…they provide much-needed break and laughter that is lacking. Seriously, I’m a sensitive person and I understand how easy it is to go into (post-natal depression). Imagine, your baby only cries as a form of communication. It is your job to decipher the secret – hunger? tired? sleepy? gas? Fun game really. When it’s one-sided and you are running on no sleep.

I find it extremely in our favour that confinement is over tomorrow aaannnnd it’s also our 2nd year wedding anniversary!!! Just to share… you know how Facebook has that reminder features of yesteryears? It told us that I ‘became friends’ with Hubs on 22 Aug. Haha

We don’t have anything special planned…having little lulu with us for raya and for our anniversary is God’s gift already. And as you can see, He works in all the right ways.

 

Everything is going down… in a good way!

Learning to deal with the fatigue, aches, pain and discomfort is very challenging.

I remember my first trimester – battling nausea, headaches, sleepiness. Mornings and evenings vomiting with hubs holding my hair and massaging my neck. Trying to stop the vertigo on the way to work and battling crowds. Because you are still not showing in the first trimester, you just come across as pale and sick. No one would give you a seat (even now, though I’m heavily pregnant. Available seats are a commodity in SG!) and you struggle to keep your nausea from colleagues until you have confirmed or the first developmental months are over.

There were days that I drifted off to sleep during work. Eyes rolling about like I was possessed and then fatigue overwhelmed me. At home, the bed was a lovely companion. I just wanted to embrace the covers and never let go.

Napping as and when you can (truly catnaps!) helps recharge. I am lucky to have a corner in the office where staff goes to sleep. If you don’t have such a nook, your desk would have to do. Unfortunately, as you get bigger, you can’t lean forward to rest. I have a stool to put my legs up and I have a thick cushion for my back, another cushion for my bump and cover myself with a shawl before I sleep.

Due to relaxing muscles and ligaments, everything is in pain. I’d rather say discomfort because little one isn’t causing me pain. J She’s a joy to carry, so active and curious, and we can’t wait to welcome her!

All these discomfort (difficulty in turning and walking, discomfort down there, discomfort everywhere!) drains my energy, or whatever I have left. She is very active so I break out in (more) cold sweat too.

I used to say ‘Everything is going to get worse’ and I mean it in the best way possible. You and I know that clothes get smaller and tighter, your mood isn’t up to date, your appetite/sense of smell is way off and your aches get worse. It’s all part of this wonderful journey.

Why I have not checked my dilation (yet)

At week 35, we asked the gynae if I needed to check dilation.

The answer is no, not necessary as full-term is considered week 37 (or week 39 according to some studies) and unnecessary checking of the cervix could cause contractions and induce labour. Especially for first-timers.

The scientific term is Vaginal Examination (VE). Just like how I’m a supporter of natural healing, I am known as well to support fiercely what my body/I want. My hospital and gynae are pro-natural. This means that they encourage and support natural birth (water birth included) and breastfeeding. Which is great for me – natural.

So at week 36, we are told to wait for the arrival of our VIP and since it’s going to be week 37, no need to check dilation.

This is where the discontentment of a school of thought arises.

There is a camp that feels I should have requested/doc should have checked dilation.

I said not necessary because:
1) Unless for medical reasons
2) I’m not experiencing major labour signs (contractions, bloody show or waterbag burst)
3) First-time mommy and doing a check at Week 35 would induce contraction and may bring about labour
4) Do you know how much it will HURT?!?!

Look at the distance the doc’s finger has to travel from the vagina to the cervix. And mind you, it’s not just penetration. She will extend her two fingers to estimate the cm distance. If it’s not necessary nor for pleasure (as in the case of making love), why would I want to subject myself to such invasive procedure?

As if pregnancy checks are not invasive enough.

I support my gynae/hospital decision not to check my dilation until necessary. Which is probably the next time I see her since I’m only a week away from EDD. Luckily, husband is supportive too on my stand.

What makes it tough is that ‘the camp of the school of thought that dilation must be checked’ is annoyed that I haven’t gotten my dilation checked.

The good intent is that I have been in discomfort/pain from the pelvic pressure for a month now. They just want my misery to be short-lived.

Another good intent is that they don’t want me to SUDDENLY give birth because I wasn’t aware at how much I’m dilated.

Good intentions but when you believe strongly in your opinion as I am in mine, discontentment arises.

I don’t see how checking dilation will help me.

If I had it checked say at week 33 and doc say ‘Oh wow, you are dilated 3cm!’ I’ll be so excited and anxious that hey, another 7cm to go…any time now!

And then, subsequently, there is still no change in dilation (which happens) – wouldn’t that make me disappointed? It’s dashed hopes. Just like when I went for my week 37 checkup and doc said to continue monitoring for labour signs. We were SO disappointed because we were told at week 35 that she is already engaged and ready to go anytime.

Things change. God’s will is the best.

Now, this dilation thing is really making me pissed. It’s my body, my experience, my hurt, my pain. And look at the timeline I gave – week 35 to now.

I’m not afraid to stand for what I believe in. Keeping quiet does not mean I lose. It just means I respect the other person for their opinion and let them say their piece. I’ve said mine and I don’t need to win you over, just like how I don’t want to be won over.

It’s not being arrogant but knowing your body and what you want/know is best That’s why, read up! And having a supportive partner really really really helps.

Your vagina is not a crystal ball

I’m pasting this article from http://www.motherrisingbirth.com/2010/07/dilationinpregnancy.html She has summarised what the Vaginal Exam (VE) or checking dilation in pregnancy is about. And it’s ok if you have not/don’t want to have it until required.

Your Vagina Is Not a Crystal Ball – Dilation in Pregnancy

JULY 23, 2010 BY LINDSEY MORROW 13 COMMENTS

No Vaginal Exams!

When I was pregnant with my son, Gabriel, I swore up and down that when I got closer to my due date I was not going to ask to know my dilation in pregnancy.  I knew that by having a vaginal check I would be tempted to start prophesying about when my labor would start and what my birth would be like.

Yes Vaginal Exams!

Of course, I had no self-control and I asked for vaginal checks starting at 35 weeks.  I was 2-3 cm dilated and 40% effaced. I could have easily started stressing and wondering if I would go into labor before my due date.  I could have got really self-confident and assumed my labor would be shorter because I was already 1/3 done dilating. I didn’t do any of those things because I knew that my vagina was not a crystal ball. I repeat.

YOUR VAGINA IS NOT A CRYSTAL BALL.

Dilation in Pregnancy

Dilation, effacement, and station information cannot predict when labor will start, how long or how easy/hard labor will be. The only thing that vaginal checks will tell you is what your body has done to prepare for birth. If you opt for a vaginal check at a prenatal appointment and find out that you aren’t dilated at all – you could have your baby that night.  Or a week later.  If you find out you are 4-5 cm dilated you could have your baby tomorrow, or two weeks later.

Seriously

Seriously, vaginas are not crystal balls.  Your vagina will not tell you how long you have to go until you push your baby out.  Even when you get to 10 cm and start pushing you still have no idea how long it will take.

A Disservice

Stepping into the unknown is the nature of labor, birth and being a parent.  Care providers do a disservice to mamas by prophesying when their baby will arrive. But, I can understand why it is done – because it is HARD to sit in the unknown with an expecting mama and to not know with her. However, care providers should censor birth predictions because it is much more compassionate to hold the space for mamas while they step into the unknown than to predict the future.

What About You?

Did you find out your dilation in pregnancy?  How was it helpful (or not!) for you?  I’d love to hear your story. If you found this post helpful, you might be interested in this post on how to check your own cervix or this one about how your vagina is not a vacuum cleaner.

Love, Lindsey

Why preggers women need to pee more often

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FYI, this is why preggy women need to go toilet more often. Look at how the weight is SQQQUUUEEZZING our bladder!

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And… the inevitable happens. Just a little. No sneezing, coughing or laughing too hard.

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Look how I’ve grown!

Everyone always wondered:

The tricky thing about women is we are sensitive.

If we are NOT pregnant and has that muffin top (like in the first trimester), we get offended, insulted, sensitive and we’ll either go into depression or binge-eat because what’s the difference – people think we are pregnant anyways! Oh the woes!

Don’t ask me the logic of why we binge-eat if the truth is that we just have a cute muffin top and eating more would contribute to that. Just don’t.

If we ARE pregnant and trying to hide it or am adjusting to how our body changes (and not just being fat but really conscious of what people are thinking of us), it just takes someone to ask ‘Are you pregnant?’ to set off a ‘*GASP!!!” Can you tell?!’ and hours of scrutinizing our naked body and wondering how many other people thought the same. Which sets off another wave of crying and self-obsessing.

Again, it’s worse when you are NOT pregnant and someone asked the same. So, stay away from that question 😉 

This is how my body changed for my little one. My tummy doesn’t have stretch marks as I’ve always used Vitamin E cream (even before pregnancy) so that helps. Plus, my trusty El Marino collagen drink helps tons!

All I have are the reddish veins at the back of my legs and the blackish-reddish veins at my waistline where my pants have either dug into my waist or cut off the circulation (hurhur)

 I self-take my tummy shots so you can see that it’s getting even more difficult to fit my tum2 in the frame.

All the expansion to have our miracle growing inside 🙂

Waiting for the VIP

I was put on hospitalization leave since last week.

Doc said you are due anytime within the 2 weeks. It’s now coming close to the end of this week. Still no major signs of labour.

My backache is progressively worse. The pain radiates to my butt sometimes – a sign that labour is nearing. I can’t even walk or stand up straight if I’ve done major walking or housework. I know, I know, I shouldn’t be doing any strenuous activity… I’m not. I get Daddy to help but being at home, I can’t help it but organize and re-organize. I know we won’t get much time to do this once you arrive 🙂

There was one time that my backache was so painful. I was actually crawling around the room on my 4’s. I had sat down to reorganize something and I just couldn’t get up. So I thought well, let’s make do and started crawling around the room. Daddy and the cats looked at me like I was possessed but hey, I couldn’t just be whining about it right?

I’m a dripping sauna nowadays as you grow more fats and even more blood flows through me to supplement you.

I have kinda stopped sleeping at night. I’m exhausted. You wake me at 2am+ and without fail, 3.30-4am you keep me awake till 7-8am.

I try to nap in the day but it’s way too hot. So I end up cranky and holding in the pain/discomfort of your growing pressure on my nether regions make me v v exhausted.

Don’t ask how I cope… I just do. That’s the strength of being a to-be mom.

I’m waiting for you to tell me you are ready to come out and meet us. You are already in the right position but you’ve not told my body that you want to come out… we are ready as ready can be. Now it’s up to you ok?

Your monthly growth chart

With every doc visit, we didn’t dare put our hopes too high. We were excited of course but anxious. Very anxious. And every time we see you stretch, we feel relief and a sense of pride that you are doing well.

Your weight gain is impressive. 1.9kg at Week 31 when the average is 1.4 to 1.6kg. Thank you little one for growing well with Mommy.

I didn’t want to post about you until we were assured that all is a-ok. Granted, nothing is a-ok and we leave it to God. I’m very happy that we have made it through 8 months together. It hasn’t been easy my dear, and I know it’s going to be so worth it to hold mini-us and watch you grow.

Here’s your monthly grow chart.

How we found out about you explains it all – the day that test indicated a high level of HcG in me

We first found out about you on 6 Nov ’14.

21 Nov ’14. Seeing you at 6 weeks. How our hearts swelled at the possibility.

Our little cutie pie on 11 Dec ’14. You were caught doing yoga stretches but stopped when the scan started. We teared seeing how you have grown.

On 8 Jan ’15, we can see your developing brains and tummy! You were even giving us a peace sign! Like you were reassuring us that you are a-ok in me. 🙂

On 9 Feb ’15, we found out what’s causing the pain just above my tummy. It’s your legs, that you’ve hooked up against my womb.
Here’s you looking relaxed in your temporary home.

Look at your little nose and lips! We can see how well you’ve developed little one on 10 Mar ’15, 22 weeks

10 Apr ’14 saw you sucking your thumb. Mommy had a glucose test done, no food for a few hours and you must be hungry!

We can just make out your eye sockets on 18 May ’15 because you have engaged early at 31 weeks. Wait ok… 2 more months to go!

We are seeing you again next week. I wonder how much you have grown and if our EDD of 17 Jul has changed. I have a feeling you are coming out end June. You are so-ready to meet us and I hope our delivery will be smooth, insya allah.

Miscarriage isn’t a dirty word.

Although it’s very common (3 out of 4 women would have had a miscarriage before 20 weeks), it is not a trivial matter.

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It is not right to say ‘It’s very common, don’t be sad’ because we are talking about a life(s). We are not talking about getting a cold.

I was lying on the bed, in discomfort from the bulging pain on my uterus/pelvis, and was sharing my readings with hubs that “round ligament pain are more often felt in second pregnancies. That’s so weird. I’d have thought first pregnancy would be when you are stretching and all. And this is so uncomfortable..the weight, pressure and pain pressing on me!”

He gently reminded me that this isn’t my first. I inhaled sharply – both from the pressure pain and from the memory.

I remember that when I finally declared on facebook (my connections are people I actually know. I like to keep my network tight) I’d lost a child and it’s common and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Some people contacted me privately to share their stories of loss. I’d just met an ex-colleague who shared he and his wife went through it as well and it was hard on both of them. The emotions are being opened up again now because they were expecting the same time as their cousin…and that cousin is due soon.

In my heart and mind, I never forget my first. I send prayers his/her way all the time and in a little way, I relive those anguished moments. The bleeding, the confusion, the resentment of my body, the babies popping out everywhere (even my closest friends were having babies).

I saw a gift set of a girl which had a lovely cat stitched on it at Kiddy Palace when we were looking for a gift and before we got pregnant. Immediately, I teared because the little one could have worn that.

It’s not easy but it gets easier when you grief and overcome those stages. Holding it in or pretending it didn’t happen would just open up raw wounds later on.

People who don’t understand or think they are doing you a favour of being tough really isn’t. Again, loss is not something easily comprehensible unless you’ve gone through it.

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