Look how I’ve grown!

Everyone always wondered:

The tricky thing about women is we are sensitive.

If we are NOT pregnant and has that muffin top (like in the first trimester), we get offended, insulted, sensitive and we’ll either go into depression or binge-eat because what’s the difference – people think we are pregnant anyways! Oh the woes!

Don’t ask me the logic of why we binge-eat if the truth is that we just have a cute muffin top and eating more would contribute to that. Just don’t.

If we ARE pregnant and trying to hide it or am adjusting to how our body changes (and not just being fat but really conscious of what people are thinking of us), it just takes someone to ask ‘Are you pregnant?’ to set off a ‘*GASP!!!” Can you tell?!’ and hours of scrutinizing our naked body and wondering how many other people thought the same. Which sets off another wave of crying and self-obsessing.

Again, it’s worse when you are NOT pregnant and someone asked the same. So, stay away from that question 😉 

This is how my body changed for my little one. My tummy doesn’t have stretch marks as I’ve always used Vitamin E cream (even before pregnancy) so that helps. Plus, my trusty El Marino collagen drink helps tons!

All I have are the reddish veins at the back of my legs and the blackish-reddish veins at my waistline where my pants have either dug into my waist or cut off the circulation (hurhur)

 I self-take my tummy shots so you can see that it’s getting even more difficult to fit my tum2 in the frame.

All the expansion to have our miracle growing inside 🙂

Waiting for the VIP

I was put on hospitalization leave since last week.

Doc said you are due anytime within the 2 weeks. It’s now coming close to the end of this week. Still no major signs of labour.

My backache is progressively worse. The pain radiates to my butt sometimes – a sign that labour is nearing. I can’t even walk or stand up straight if I’ve done major walking or housework. I know, I know, I shouldn’t be doing any strenuous activity… I’m not. I get Daddy to help but being at home, I can’t help it but organize and re-organize. I know we won’t get much time to do this once you arrive 🙂

There was one time that my backache was so painful. I was actually crawling around the room on my 4’s. I had sat down to reorganize something and I just couldn’t get up. So I thought well, let’s make do and started crawling around the room. Daddy and the cats looked at me like I was possessed but hey, I couldn’t just be whining about it right?

I’m a dripping sauna nowadays as you grow more fats and even more blood flows through me to supplement you.

I have kinda stopped sleeping at night. I’m exhausted. You wake me at 2am+ and without fail, 3.30-4am you keep me awake till 7-8am.

I try to nap in the day but it’s way too hot. So I end up cranky and holding in the pain/discomfort of your growing pressure on my nether regions make me v v exhausted.

Don’t ask how I cope… I just do. That’s the strength of being a to-be mom.

I’m waiting for you to tell me you are ready to come out and meet us. You are already in the right position but you’ve not told my body that you want to come out… we are ready as ready can be. Now it’s up to you ok?

Your monthly growth chart

With every doc visit, we didn’t dare put our hopes too high. We were excited of course but anxious. Very anxious. And every time we see you stretch, we feel relief and a sense of pride that you are doing well.

Your weight gain is impressive. 1.9kg at Week 31 when the average is 1.4 to 1.6kg. Thank you little one for growing well with Mommy.

I didn’t want to post about you until we were assured that all is a-ok. Granted, nothing is a-ok and we leave it to God. I’m very happy that we have made it through 8 months together. It hasn’t been easy my dear, and I know it’s going to be so worth it to hold mini-us and watch you grow.

Here’s your monthly grow chart.

How we found out about you explains it all – the day that test indicated a high level of HcG in me

We first found out about you on 6 Nov ’14.

21 Nov ’14. Seeing you at 6 weeks. How our hearts swelled at the possibility.

Our little cutie pie on 11 Dec ’14. You were caught doing yoga stretches but stopped when the scan started. We teared seeing how you have grown.

On 8 Jan ’15, we can see your developing brains and tummy! You were even giving us a peace sign! Like you were reassuring us that you are a-ok in me. 🙂

On 9 Feb ’15, we found out what’s causing the pain just above my tummy. It’s your legs, that you’ve hooked up against my womb.
Here’s you looking relaxed in your temporary home.

Look at your little nose and lips! We can see how well you’ve developed little one on 10 Mar ’15, 22 weeks

10 Apr ’14 saw you sucking your thumb. Mommy had a glucose test done, no food for a few hours and you must be hungry!

We can just make out your eye sockets on 18 May ’15 because you have engaged early at 31 weeks. Wait ok… 2 more months to go!

We are seeing you again next week. I wonder how much you have grown and if our EDD of 17 Jul has changed. I have a feeling you are coming out end June. You are so-ready to meet us and I hope our delivery will be smooth, insya allah.

Miscarriage isn’t a dirty word.

Although it’s very common (3 out of 4 women would have had a miscarriage before 20 weeks), it is not a trivial matter.

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It is not right to say ‘It’s very common, don’t be sad’ because we are talking about a life(s). We are not talking about getting a cold.

I was lying on the bed, in discomfort from the bulging pain on my uterus/pelvis, and was sharing my readings with hubs that “round ligament pain are more often felt in second pregnancies. That’s so weird. I’d have thought first pregnancy would be when you are stretching and all. And this is so uncomfortable..the weight, pressure and pain pressing on me!”

He gently reminded me that this isn’t my first. I inhaled sharply – both from the pressure pain and from the memory.

I remember that when I finally declared on facebook (my connections are people I actually know. I like to keep my network tight) I’d lost a child and it’s common and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Some people contacted me privately to share their stories of loss. I’d just met an ex-colleague who shared he and his wife went through it as well and it was hard on both of them. The emotions are being opened up again now because they were expecting the same time as their cousin…and that cousin is due soon.

In my heart and mind, I never forget my first. I send prayers his/her way all the time and in a little way, I relive those anguished moments. The bleeding, the confusion, the resentment of my body, the babies popping out everywhere (even my closest friends were having babies).

I saw a gift set of a girl which had a lovely cat stitched on it at Kiddy Palace when we were looking for a gift and before we got pregnant. Immediately, I teared because the little one could have worn that.

It’s not easy but it gets easier when you grief and overcome those stages. Holding it in or pretending it didn’t happen would just open up raw wounds later on.

People who don’t understand or think they are doing you a favour of being tough really isn’t. Again, loss is not something easily comprehensible unless you’ve gone through it.

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Your pets

When you arrive, you will already have 4 pets.

These furries have been my source of company and entertainment. I adore them and I hope they will adore you and vice versa. But no putting their tails in your mouth ok! Or riding them.. or squeezing them…

You would spend about 2 years with them as our house will be ready in 2017.

The 3 munchkins (L-R: Coco, Petal, Gus) are a family. Coco and Petal are siblings and Gus is the father. 

Petal is an independent girl. She loves boxes and is a fighter. Although she’s very short (a proper munchkin), she is the cutest size ever. However, she does pack a mean punch and always fighting with Shadow. All she does is eat, sleep, fight. You will see she sleeps in a variety of poses to cool off. Some, not very becoming of a lady.

Coco is my companion.

I have SOOOO many stories to tell you of how he has been a constant source of (silent) support. He sits with me to watch TV, comes after me to kiss me and there was a period of time he didn’t let me and Daddy sleep for a whole week! He was scratching and meowing the whole night, wanting to sleep in-between us or beside me to lick my hair/face and put his paws on my tummy.

I’ve been preparing him that you are arriving… so you would be best of friends and not jealous of each other.

Gus is very touchy-feely. He likes to paw you literally to get your attention. I like my space and don’t fancy having him touching my arm or leg just so I will pat him. He.doesn’t.stop.

Shadow is a very active, naughty chincilla mixed persian. He likes to disturb Petal (which is why she always fights with him) and gets very excited! See how his tongue hangs out! He is curious (or busybody, more like) and I’m sure he will be very interested to meet you.

So far, I’ve had no problems in terms of allergy. Just the fur gets on your clothes. You won’t be playing with them till you are much older and I am assured both of you won’t scratch each other.

You are very blessed to have these lovely cats as pets. I hope they will be of much company to you as they have been to me.

Things to be grateful/thankful for

I’d like to remember the positive things this trimester as I’m inundated by negatives (pain, discomfort, people commenting on my protruding belly button, the size or shape of my tummy etc)

Things that I’m thankful for:

• Love always make it for doctor’s appointments

  This is not easy. My husband works shifts and I have to take leave. Sure, I can use the MC but I’m the only one on my portfolio. Most often than not, I’m suggested to come back to work after my appointment. Which is good, because I don’t need to use leave. Which is bad, because love already on his off day or took leave and I’d rather spend the day with him plus journey from hospital to work is not exactly near (NUH to Changi)Also, a MC a month will not look good from my overseas HQ’s eyes. Although they know I’m pregnant, I don’t like the idea of such a record.

• I don’t have swollen feet

  I was mentally preparing myself for this. My fingers and feet is a little bit more plump than usual but I don’t have squishy, squashy feet that I’ve seen on others. Thank God because my journey from home to work (Yishun to Changi) is very far. Now in my last trimester, I still don’t have them. It annoys me when people say ‘Oh, not yet’. NO, don’t curse me. I shall not have them in these last few weeks!!What helps was, the moment I found out I was preggers, I started training myself to sleep with elevated feet. I train myself to drink more water (3l a day) This water training started cos I was getting rid of water retention before I was pregnant. Remember, my body didn’t know I had miscarried and carried on expanding like I still was?

• Used to healthy eating so I can eat ANYTHING!

  This is a point I am soooo thankful for. I’m used to eating yoghurt, grains, cereal, juices and mentally noting that I have to eat more fibre, fruits, veg etc. These are things that you have no choice but to embrace, for the better of your little one.My mantra was always ‘You should be able to eat anything you want. Just in moderation’. This enabled me to have no ‘pantangs’ (superstition) and just use common sense to adjust the level of spiciness, acidic foods, alkaline foods etc so I don’t feel nauseous

  I do miss sashimi though. I can’t wait to eat the creamy, sweet, thick slices of salmon sashimi…

• Minimal heartburn

  Spirulina helped me A LOT. This superfood alkalines my body so acid reflux is at it’s minimal. I’ll post about the benefits of spirulina in another post.

• NO constipation/hemorrhoids

  Thanks to the diet I practise (lots of fluids and fibre), I had none of this. Thank God.

• Blessed with maternity wear/cot/car seat

  Our parent-friends sold/gave these to us at cheap prices, which we SO appreciate. My clothes are pooh-bear on me (small, tight and shows my tummy) which is SUCH a headache and causes much stress.Money is very tight with a new addition and a house on the way. SG is THE most expensive city to live in for 2 years running now yet our wages stay the same. I don’t earn as much as I used to when I was crew (duh). I settled for less for work-life balance and a fun, vibrant work environment.

  It was also the full-time job that was offered when I came back from Dubai. I was freelancing as a trainer when I was back. I needed a full-time job to survive as I had a wedding to pay for. So…now with a change in our life, money is very tight.

• Baby is on the way

  After our surprise pregnancy and miscarriage, this is a wonderful surprise indeed. We never stopped thinking of our first one and continues to send prayers his/her way. With this pregnancy, we are so cautious and taking things slow as we don’t want to get too excited. We leave it to God to test and bless us. He knows best.

• Support

  I joined FB support groups which helped me. I read a lot of articles and books. I asked trusted parent friends.You need to know what’s right for you. And this is not easy. So many advice, so many imposements, so many opinions.

  You need to know that you are not stubborn and stupid. But stubborn because you know what is right for yourself and what you need as a couple. Not what other people WANT you to do. Sure, you make mistakes. But it will be your own and not cos you were listening to what some other people said.

  I distanced/separated myself from ‘friends’ whom might have seen me through darkest times at a (few) stages of my life previously, but have not heard from them to offer me support during this time. Don’t get me wrong – they are still friends but these are the ones that you know ‘We had a great time together, thank you for being around for me. I guess it’s time to move on’.

• A house, cats and both sets of parents still around

  Love’s house is big. It’s a jumbo flat (not available anymore now. This was back in the days when SG had land… now we are a densely populated island of 7 million. Houses are small and high. We have NO LAND!) We have our own room which can fit a cot.My house is small compared to his of course. I’m in a 4-room flat and I share a room with my younger brother (which was ok as I was in Dubai and when I’m back, he’s staying in university) but weekends are iffy. Both of us want our space and yet we are in each other’s faces. No space to put a cot (in the living room only) and we won’t have much of a privacy as we do here.

  Love has 4 cats. These cats are wonderful company. I’ll write about them in another post.

  And of course, I pray that both sets of parents would live long enough to see their grandchild. My parents still have to work in their 60s because we need to make ends meet. They definitely want to retire but we don’t have the right conditions so they can afford to.

  To be able to partake in the birth and seeing their grandchild grow up would be a bonus to this stressful, hectic SG life.

• I concussed when I finally fall asleepInsomnia, discomfort, pains are just some of it. I can’t even sleep cos of the excessive sweating and discomfort. Her jabs jolts me or the weight at my pelvic area renders me immobile partially. I grunt and oof and aah just to turn.

  Some days I’m awake till 3-4am, some 5am, some I catnap, waking every few mins.

  However, I’m very lucky that I don’t wake up just to pee throughout the night. This means I’m very grateful for Kegel exercises (practise it. It’s awesome for now and in the future when you are old(er) and can’t control your bladder).I ensure that I empty my bladder (or try to!!) before I settle into my bed. Not an easy feat… hahahahaha.

• I don’t have leg cramps oftenPregnancy leg cramps are like the ones you get post-exercise when you are not fit. You lose salt through sweating, your hormones are haywire, you lack potassium and calcium since you are now building muscles and protein for 2, you are sweating and need the cold/cool air yet your legs cramp at the environmental condition.

  I can count the number of times I get leg cramps… and the trigger is always when I forget to cover my feet. Other than that, it doesn’t attack me daily.

  Calcium pills (lots of milk/dairy/cheese) in my diet helps. As with bananas for potassium. 100 plus helps with electrolytes but since I notice my trigger is the cold, that’s where I have to take extra caution and remember to cover my feet.

  Some people may lack calcium/potassium or have other ailments, so best to check with your doctor.

How I learn what my own body needs is through lots of reading, trial-and-error and noticing the triggers.

There are other things that I’m thankful for but these are at the top of my mind. Little one, you must remember to count your blessings so we are thankful for the things and people we have, rather than those we don’t.

The irony

You gave us a scare little one.

I can’t walk too much now. My soles hurt. More like, screaming hurts. You are a big girl at 33 weeks but the irony is, my tummy is still ‘small’. I have no complains as any bigger, I probably can’t even walk!

You are ready to see the world. You were ready ever since first trimester… when I could feel your gentle flutters and the weight shifting down. Now, you are even more keen to get out. Hello, can’t wait to fly the coop is it??

Doctor says your head is engaged (at week 31) and now, your weight is really pushing down on my pelvic muscles. It makes walking very hard (MORE waddling) and the pull of gravity can be felt tremendously. How would labour feel?!

We are very excited to meet you but I also hope that you’ll wait till full-term. Week 37 minimum please. ICU is very expensive. Having a premmie baby would put a lot of strain on mommy and daddy financially and emotionally.

Do you know that the irony of this non-active state you were in brought in more kind words from strangers? Mommy is well-aware there are some ‘friends’ who have not even asked how my pregnancy is going and there are some whom I’ve ‘reunited’ with due to them being mommies themselves. Life is like that, little one. Your best friend is not the BEST in certain stages, nor will you be to other people. You will learn the heartaches of friendships.

Mommy was put on MC last week. Daddy is worried about me going back to work. I work very far from home (about 1.5 to 2h) and the journey itself is enough to make my feet cry in pain.

I haven’t slept at all these past few days. The hormones, mad hot flushes, sweating keeps me up. I have 2 fans blowing at me. Your gentle nudges and curious pushes have now turned to painful jabs as you grow bigger in my womb. There is not much space for you to shift or move around. I can feel the hard outline of a limb. I cannot make anything out as you move around so fast.

I tried to video you but you must be camera shy like me. One second, you are nudging and jabbing and moving every which way and when I hit record, you suddenly stop.

The Braxton Hicks are so regular and so tight/taut/tense that Doctor gave me some meds to relax my muscles. I sure hope you are not a premmie baby… I want you to be healthy little one. It’s selfish that we want to keep you nestled in my womb a little longer but trust me, it’s for the best.

And I will tell you this when you are an adolescent and throwing tantrums and screaming hurtful things at me for not letting you stay overnight at a friend’s place, or a chalet, or go clubbing.

Enjoy the comfort of my womb little one, as I grow even more in discomfort, accomodating your growing body and painful jabs. Just 4 more weeks.