Things to be grateful/thankful for

I’d like to remember the positive things this trimester as I’m inundated by negatives (pain, discomfort, people commenting on my protruding belly button, the size or shape of my tummy etc)

Things that I’m thankful for:

• Love always make it for doctor’s appointments

  This is not easy. My husband works shifts and I have to take leave. Sure, I can use the MC but I’m the only one on my portfolio. Most often than not, I’m suggested to come back to work after my appointment. Which is good, because I don’t need to use leave. Which is bad, because love already on his off day or took leave and I’d rather spend the day with him plus journey from hospital to work is not exactly near (NUH to Changi)Also, a MC a month will not look good from my overseas HQ’s eyes. Although they know I’m pregnant, I don’t like the idea of such a record.

• I don’t have swollen feet

  I was mentally preparing myself for this. My fingers and feet is a little bit more plump than usual but I don’t have squishy, squashy feet that I’ve seen on others. Thank God because my journey from home to work (Yishun to Changi) is very far. Now in my last trimester, I still don’t have them. It annoys me when people say ‘Oh, not yet’. NO, don’t curse me. I shall not have them in these last few weeks!!What helps was, the moment I found out I was preggers, I started training myself to sleep with elevated feet. I train myself to drink more water (3l a day) This water training started cos I was getting rid of water retention before I was pregnant. Remember, my body didn’t know I had miscarried and carried on expanding like I still was?

• Used to healthy eating so I can eat ANYTHING!

  This is a point I am soooo thankful for. I’m used to eating yoghurt, grains, cereal, juices and mentally noting that I have to eat more fibre, fruits, veg etc. These are things that you have no choice but to embrace, for the better of your little one.My mantra was always ‘You should be able to eat anything you want. Just in moderation’. This enabled me to have no ‘pantangs’ (superstition) and just use common sense to adjust the level of spiciness, acidic foods, alkaline foods etc so I don’t feel nauseous

  I do miss sashimi though. I can’t wait to eat the creamy, sweet, thick slices of salmon sashimi…

• Minimal heartburn

  Spirulina helped me A LOT. This superfood alkalines my body so acid reflux is at it’s minimal. I’ll post about the benefits of spirulina in another post.

• NO constipation/hemorrhoids

  Thanks to the diet I practise (lots of fluids and fibre), I had none of this. Thank God.

• Blessed with maternity wear/cot/car seat

  Our parent-friends sold/gave these to us at cheap prices, which we SO appreciate. My clothes are pooh-bear on me (small, tight and shows my tummy) which is SUCH a headache and causes much stress.Money is very tight with a new addition and a house on the way. SG is THE most expensive city to live in for 2 years running now yet our wages stay the same. I don’t earn as much as I used to when I was crew (duh). I settled for less for work-life balance and a fun, vibrant work environment.

  It was also the full-time job that was offered when I came back from Dubai. I was freelancing as a trainer when I was back. I needed a full-time job to survive as I had a wedding to pay for. So…now with a change in our life, money is very tight.

• Baby is on the way

  After our surprise pregnancy and miscarriage, this is a wonderful surprise indeed. We never stopped thinking of our first one and continues to send prayers his/her way. With this pregnancy, we are so cautious and taking things slow as we don’t want to get too excited. We leave it to God to test and bless us. He knows best.

• Support

  I joined FB support groups which helped me. I read a lot of articles and books. I asked trusted parent friends.You need to know what’s right for you. And this is not easy. So many advice, so many imposements, so many opinions.

  You need to know that you are not stubborn and stupid. But stubborn because you know what is right for yourself and what you need as a couple. Not what other people WANT you to do. Sure, you make mistakes. But it will be your own and not cos you were listening to what some other people said.

  I distanced/separated myself from ‘friends’ whom might have seen me through darkest times at a (few) stages of my life previously, but have not heard from them to offer me support during this time. Don’t get me wrong – they are still friends but these are the ones that you know ‘We had a great time together, thank you for being around for me. I guess it’s time to move on’.

• A house, cats and both sets of parents still around

  Love’s house is big. It’s a jumbo flat (not available anymore now. This was back in the days when SG had land… now we are a densely populated island of 7 million. Houses are small and high. We have NO LAND!) We have our own room which can fit a cot.My house is small compared to his of course. I’m in a 4-room flat and I share a room with my younger brother (which was ok as I was in Dubai and when I’m back, he’s staying in university) but weekends are iffy. Both of us want our space and yet we are in each other’s faces. No space to put a cot (in the living room only) and we won’t have much of a privacy as we do here.

  Love has 4 cats. These cats are wonderful company. I’ll write about them in another post.

  And of course, I pray that both sets of parents would live long enough to see their grandchild. My parents still have to work in their 60s because we need to make ends meet. They definitely want to retire but we don’t have the right conditions so they can afford to.

  To be able to partake in the birth and seeing their grandchild grow up would be a bonus to this stressful, hectic SG life.

• I concussed when I finally fall asleepInsomnia, discomfort, pains are just some of it. I can’t even sleep cos of the excessive sweating and discomfort. Her jabs jolts me or the weight at my pelvic area renders me immobile partially. I grunt and oof and aah just to turn.

  Some days I’m awake till 3-4am, some 5am, some I catnap, waking every few mins.

  However, I’m very lucky that I don’t wake up just to pee throughout the night. This means I’m very grateful for Kegel exercises (practise it. It’s awesome for now and in the future when you are old(er) and can’t control your bladder).I ensure that I empty my bladder (or try to!!) before I settle into my bed. Not an easy feat… hahahahaha.

• I don’t have leg cramps oftenPregnancy leg cramps are like the ones you get post-exercise when you are not fit. You lose salt through sweating, your hormones are haywire, you lack potassium and calcium since you are now building muscles and protein for 2, you are sweating and need the cold/cool air yet your legs cramp at the environmental condition.

  I can count the number of times I get leg cramps… and the trigger is always when I forget to cover my feet. Other than that, it doesn’t attack me daily.

  Calcium pills (lots of milk/dairy/cheese) in my diet helps. As with bananas for potassium. 100 plus helps with electrolytes but since I notice my trigger is the cold, that’s where I have to take extra caution and remember to cover my feet.

  Some people may lack calcium/potassium or have other ailments, so best to check with your doctor.

How I learn what my own body needs is through lots of reading, trial-and-error and noticing the triggers.

There are other things that I’m thankful for but these are at the top of my mind. Little one, you must remember to count your blessings so we are thankful for the things and people we have, rather than those we don’t.

helping someone through a miscarriage

Imagine losing your loved one and as you are going through the grieving process, someone (be it close or not) says to you:

“Don’t worry, you’ll have another one.”
“There’s time for another.”
“Take comfort that it was still small.”

What would you do? Look at the person in disbelief, shake your head and say angrily ‘Yeah, that’s right. I’ll have another (insert loved one)!’ or ‘Sure, there’s time for me to spend more time with the tombstone of my dead loved one!’

Seems a reasonable response to me. The insensitive jerk who said it deserves a sarcastic and upfront response.

When you go through a miscarriage, the feelings that engulf you would take you by surprise. You become numb – wondering if it was a bad dream or you get consumed by it. Striking the delicate balance is something that is enough to make you go crazy.

I was put on a week’s leave. I spent time in isolation, surrounded by my in-laws’ cats, and tried to carry on as normal as possible. Which is impossible. I was overwhelmed with sadness. My own sadness surprised me as I thought I had accepted it. This is evidence that hormones play a huge part in your well-being. Think PMS X 10000.

As a close friend (a mother herself) puts it, “No matter what, there was a heartbeat. It is still your child. There was a living thing inside you.”

What I wanted the most was:

• support
• listening ear/shoulders
• the ability to let me grieve and get through it.
• hugs
• people to check on me that I’m alright. That I wasn’t alone in going through this.

What I received were:

• unsolicited advice like the above. “Let it go. Don’t be too sad or hung up over it.”
  Which made me more depressed and screaming in my head ‘No, it’s NOT THE SAME. NO, you DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!! JUST LET ME BE!!!’
• friends who didn’t know what to say and end up with inept responses like ‘You can try again,’ and/or disappear altogether to supposedly, let you have your own space and time. The truth was that they didn’t know what to say or do so they took their chicken shit out of there.
• questions like ‘why do you feel like this?’

It is awkward when you don’t know what to say or do. Nothing you say can take away the pain. Nothing you do can make anything better. But with any kind of illness, it’s the support and hope that someone brings to give them the strength to carry on. I’m not saying miscarriage is an illness. Excessive grief is. Excessive of anything is detrimental.

Yes, we get suicidal. We get manic depression. What helps is ASK the person what can you do to help? What can you do to support them now?

Even though they say they don’t need anything, they truly do. Send them messages. Even if you can’t check back on them often, let them know. They appreciate it. Encourage the husband. Men don’t show their emotions or worse, they don’t know what to do with them. They may get frustrated with why their wives are behaving like it’s the end of the world. They are practical and logical thinkers but the wives are the ones who undergo emotional and physical changes to their body.

It’s ok to talk about miscarriage after you’ve gone through it. It helps with the healing. It helps someone else who has gone through what you did.

Sometimes, a stranger’s support may be all that you need.