flickering heartbeat

I started bleeding again on Monday 26 Jan. It was 5pm and I’d just gone to the toilet. I’d stopped bleeding for about 5 days and I thought it would be ok. I stained my panties and I wiped myself again and again to somehow convince myself it isn’t blood.

I was mentally preparing myself that losing you is a reality I have to accept now. I was lost. Not sure if I should wait since my checkup was the next day or go to KK straight or go to AMK clinic.

I got on the cab to go KK. The taxi driver was an abang, who in other circumstances would be a friendly driver, who asked me personal questions that I didn’t have the mind to answer. To shut him up, I said I’m going for a checkup and this is my second kid. I stay in Ang Mo Kio and my husband is waiting for me at taxi stand.

Unfortunately or fortunately, he shared that he envied me. He’s been trying for a family for 7 years and he doesn’t know how long it’s going to take. He said nothing seems wrong with him or the wife and he is envious I am going to have 2 kids at my age. Whatever it is, someone who is trying, would be thankful for my situation even though it isn’t promising. That’s finding the positive and I’m not so bad. I left the cab feeling that that chance encounter is  sign I am in a better place than others, no matter what.

The doctor said the heartbeat is still there. You are now 4mm from last week’s scan of 1.5mm. At first, she said you are 4cm and I was so thankful. But she read wrongly. She explained that bleeding is common in early pregnancies but because of my complications, I do have to monitor. She said based on measurement, you are now 6 weeks. I still have you my little one. I just need you to fight and continue growing ok?

where are you?

our scan on 21st didn’t go too well.

The doctor said you’re growing too slow that it’s hard to estimate how far along we are. based on my last menses, you should be 11-weeks. you measure in mm, instead of cm plus mommy was bleeding. They are not good signs.

When dr told me, I saw your flicker of a heartbeat. It was an awesome feeling but you are so small. a little peanut.

The dr said if you don’t grow soon, that heartbeat will slow down and eventually stop. He asked if I knew what I meant. I nodded and a tear slid out. Daddy was on course and Grandma (my mom) was with me, waiting outside. As I wore my pants after the scan, it sunk in. As I asked what are the causes and how I would know if I’d miscarried, he pre-empted me there is a high chance of that. I broke down as the shock set in.

I wasn’t prepared to know that you are not growing. I came out, crying, and heard another makcik whisper to her pregnant daughter, ‘kesian’ (pitiful). I told Grandma I might miscarry. I didn’t know how to feel. The stage of accepting this news is not expected yet expected.

I was in a daze and days after that, I had cramps. I was always mentally preparing myself that if I start bleeding, that’s it.

I move about like a sloth. The crying days are slowly easing and now, it’s the angry mom. I get so so irritated and angry most times. I am already drained as it is and I don’t have the patience for other things. I’m going through challenging times here and times with Daddy when he makes me laugh, I am so thankful I have him with me.

There are times when we fight, about marriage stuff, about how we deal with things, about my silence in adversity. I talk to God a lot as I lay in bed from insomnia, or in the mornings when I wake up with cramps and nausea and headaches, and I talk to Daddy when he’s asleep.

I hope you fight little one. I hope you make this through with me. I’m going for a scan on tues again and I hope you’ve done some amazing catch-up growing in this week of cramps and angry mood swings.

I love you, whatever size you are. I’ll see you soon.

Change is the only constant

I’ve been bleeding for over 3 weeks now. My face and eyes show my weariness. I get tired within few hours. My vertigo has visited me numerous times, rendering my sight a dizzying view of stars. I am fatigued.

I cry and although some advised me not to follow the emotions too much, I feel much better being allowed to do so.

It’s not that I WANT or CHOOSE to cry. I just do.

Nausea has come and go. I feel like a sloth. I feel like I cannot afford to bring you through. I worry about finances. I worry if I’m having you too late or too soon. So many things go through my mind.

I’m even more sensitive to smoke now. I feel extremely angry, irritated and sad Daddy isn’t giving up the habit yet. I never could stand the smoke smell and now with you, I hope you won’t pick up this habit.

Our scan is on Tuesday. I hope you are alright. My body is changing to accommodate you. It will be you and me as one, and Daddy is working hard to make sure we are cared for.

Nausea, vertigo, dizziness…you name it.

You name it, in varying degrees, in the different names but you can’t run away that I’m having the nauseousness feel.

I heard it might not go away until 3 months later. I heard it will come back after that.

Symptoms vary from person to person. It’s my own experience and I know that I’ll be experiencing discovering more.

I had my first nausea attack in the evening. They call it morning sickness because generally, it happens in the morning when that dizziness hits you when you just opened your eyes.

I thought it was just a burp and then suddenly, I was rushing to the toilet and threw up.

Daddy prepared me this vomit bowl

Suprisingly, I never had to use it since the first time. The nausea’s worse though and my bleeding hasn’t stopped. I’m so pale and weak and cramps have started. As long as I don’t have awfully strong stomach cramps and bleeding too much, that’s fine. I don’t need to go to AnE.

I hope you are settling into your temporary home just fine. I worry about you. I worry about what this all means.

But I ❤ you, whether or not you will meet me, whether or not you decided to leave my body early. I will miss you if that happens but I am not going to overthink and leave it till the scan on 21st.

I just want the world to stop spinning though 😉 It’s not easy stabilising myself when the world spins when I move my head 🙂

Doctor’s appointment

Little one, mommy had a very hard time getting your first appointment. I went to work but that morning, I found everything so so sad. I kept crying, in heaps and sobs, while Daddy drove me to work.

I was just crying at everything and I couldn’t stop.

I came to work and when my boss asked how I am, I broke down again. I didn’t understand it but I was so overwhelmed with sadness. She was understanding enough to let me take the day off.

I spent the entire day in sadness, crying, sobbing, and it took only the slightest thing to trigger it. I tried to stop but the upheval of tears were too much for me to bear. Trying to understand it made me even sadder and cry more. Daddy took urgent leave to be with me.

The next day, I woke with vertigo. I spent the day in bed because any slight movement set my world spinning.

I spent the day trying to call KK 24h clinic, the main line. Emailing and smsing them didn’t help either. I didn’t know what’s the blood test result or if my appointment on Thursday was confirmed. KK need to have someone actually man their communication lines. So dumb to advertise all their lines of communication but no response.

Mommy decided to tell mommy’s closest friends. I was bleeding so much and I needed their prayers. Bleeding could mean an ectopic pregnancy. 😦

When I saw the doctor on Thursday,  she said my HcG level is low. It should have doubled from Mon’s reading of 338…but I was only at 537. She asked about the bleeding and she said there is a chance it could be a tubal pregnancy.

As I laid on the bed with the probe in me, I tried so hard not to cry. We don’t know for sure that we can’t find you and we don’t know for sure if you were in the womb or in the fallopian tube. I know the nurse and the doctor were trying not to alarm me until the scan results. They answered non-commitally when I asked if they could find you and if I’m supposed to be bleeding this much.

We had to wait another 2 hours for the scan result. I know I had to be positive and think it, I know I had to leave it to God… but I couldn’t help feeling what if. You are Daddy’s hope. I didn’t want to disappoint or lose you before I even had the time or chance to accept you.

Thankfully, the doctor said there is the yolk present and you are in my womb. However,  I’m not supposed to bleed so much and I have to monitor it. They can’t tell your health yet. They transferred me to a scan on 21st Jan at AMK clinic.

You are Daddy’s gift for his birthday. I hope you are fine and strong in me. I am trying not to cry too much. I wish I could stop it.

Another new beginning.

I wanted to document my feelings and my experiences so that my little one, my sweetheart, my loved ones can catch up to speed. I will undergo emotions that I don’t understand, emotions that I’m confused by and emotions that I might feel was worth it, all because I’m going to be a good fantastic other half and mother.

I will try my best not to launch to my (in)famous short-form writing, for the benefit of all. 😉

Enjoy reading and sharing. I might not end up sharing this blog after all. But I sure hope that when my lil one is old enough to understand, this will serve as a diary-of-sorts for what we are going through have gone through to ensure we are the best parents for you.

Enjoy.

You were so positive

I was nauseous for a few times each week and I had dizziness and headaches. I thought I was just tired.

Your father said to see a doctor. I refused, I’m fine. Besides, I’d just tested last week and it was negative. Then,colleagues started commenting that I looked really tired. I was tired, yes, but I didn’t think it was a concern.

I took an hour off work to get to the doctor. My nausea and dizziness was too much to bear. I was having my period and I thought, I’m losing too much blood.

Grandma (my mom-in-law) accompanied me. I told the doc that I’d missed my period for Dec, had dark brown bleeding for 9 days and yesterday I was bleeding a bright red. I took a pregnancy test. The assistant – a middle-aged lady, who was just stepping out of the counter – shouted to her colleague who was on the phone that I was there for a pregnancy test. There were about 8 people in the clinic, a mixture of men and women, and they all looked up. I was shocked and slightly embarrassed that she didn’t see the sensitive need to protect the reason I was there.

I had a word with her and asked if it was necessary to announce to the whole clinic what I was there for. I had an apology (more like a defensive apology) while her colleague dripped the urine on to the test. When I went to see the doctor, he was holding it and said “Nurul, good news. You are pregnant.”

I had to sit down and digest the news. It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy to have you but I was already pretty sure I couldn’t be pregnant. I also had this idea that Mommy and Daddy would have some couple time for the first year and we’d travel. After all, we did have a whirlwind fairytale romance and I was looking forward to having Daddy to myself and build us up as a couple, build a home (and get one first of course),and plan.

I listened as the doctor said the bad news is that I shouldn’t be bleeding red. I’d have to go immediately to KKH AnE to get checked.

I daren’t be happy. I was happy and worried and scared.

So this is you, on 6 Jan. One line is no, two lines mean double confirm 😉