The 5 stages of loss and grief

I’m sharing this article from http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617

By JULIE AXELROD

The stages of mourning and grief are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life. Mourning occurs in response to an individual’s own terminal illness, the loss of a close relationship, or to the death of a valued being, human or animal. There are five stages of normal grief that were first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying.”

In our bereavement, we spend different lengths of time working through each step and express each stage with different levels of intensity. The five stages do not necessarily occur in any specific order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Many of us are not afforded the luxury of time required to achieve this final stage of grief.

The death of your loved one might inspire you to evaluate your own feelings of mortality. Throughout each stage, a common thread of hope emerges: As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life.

Many people do not experience the stages in the order listed below, which is okay. The key to understanding the stages is not to feel like you must go through every one of them, in precise order. Instead, it’s more helpful to look at them as guides in the grieving process — it helps you understand and put into context where you are.

All, keep in mind — all people grieve differently. Some people will wear their emotions on their sleeve and be outwardly emotional. Others will experience their grief more internally, and may not cry. You should try and not judge how a person experiences their grief, as each person will experience it differently.

1. Denial and Isolation

The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

2. Anger

As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.

Remember, grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it.

The doctor who diagnosed the illness and was unable to cure the disease might become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them.

Do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your loved one’s illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand the options available to you. Take your time.

3. Bargaining

The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–

• If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
• If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
• If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…

Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

4. Depression

Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.

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5. Acceptance

Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.

Loved ones that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their own impending death or such, only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by our dying loved ones may well be their last gift to us.

Coping with loss is a ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.

helping someone through a miscarriage

Imagine losing your loved one and as you are going through the grieving process, someone (be it close or not) says to you:

“Don’t worry, you’ll have another one.”
“There’s time for another.”
“Take comfort that it was still small.”

What would you do? Look at the person in disbelief, shake your head and say angrily ‘Yeah, that’s right. I’ll have another (insert loved one)!’ or ‘Sure, there’s time for me to spend more time with the tombstone of my dead loved one!’

Seems a reasonable response to me. The insensitive jerk who said it deserves a sarcastic and upfront response.

When you go through a miscarriage, the feelings that engulf you would take you by surprise. You become numb – wondering if it was a bad dream or you get consumed by it. Striking the delicate balance is something that is enough to make you go crazy.

I was put on a week’s leave. I spent time in isolation, surrounded by my in-laws’ cats, and tried to carry on as normal as possible. Which is impossible. I was overwhelmed with sadness. My own sadness surprised me as I thought I had accepted it. This is evidence that hormones play a huge part in your well-being. Think PMS X 10000.

As a close friend (a mother herself) puts it, “No matter what, there was a heartbeat. It is still your child. There was a living thing inside you.”

What I wanted the most was:

• support
• listening ear/shoulders
• the ability to let me grieve and get through it.
• hugs
• people to check on me that I’m alright. That I wasn’t alone in going through this.

What I received were:

• unsolicited advice like the above. “Let it go. Don’t be too sad or hung up over it.”
  Which made me more depressed and screaming in my head ‘No, it’s NOT THE SAME. NO, you DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!! JUST LET ME BE!!!’
• friends who didn’t know what to say and end up with inept responses like ‘You can try again,’ and/or disappear altogether to supposedly, let you have your own space and time. The truth was that they didn’t know what to say or do so they took their chicken shit out of there.
• questions like ‘why do you feel like this?’

It is awkward when you don’t know what to say or do. Nothing you say can take away the pain. Nothing you do can make anything better. But with any kind of illness, it’s the support and hope that someone brings to give them the strength to carry on. I’m not saying miscarriage is an illness. Excessive grief is. Excessive of anything is detrimental.

Yes, we get suicidal. We get manic depression. What helps is ASK the person what can you do to help? What can you do to support them now?

Even though they say they don’t need anything, they truly do. Send them messages. Even if you can’t check back on them often, let them know. They appreciate it. Encourage the husband. Men don’t show their emotions or worse, they don’t know what to do with them. They may get frustrated with why their wives are behaving like it’s the end of the world. They are practical and logical thinkers but the wives are the ones who undergo emotional and physical changes to their body.

It’s ok to talk about miscarriage after you’ve gone through it. It helps with the healing. It helps someone else who has gone through what you did.

Sometimes, a stranger’s support may be all that you need.

Why I write this blog

Welcome!

I’m a mother to a lovely princess and a handsome boy.  They are just 1 year 9 months apart.

This blog is to share my journey of pregnancy and managing two children under two years with others who may be experiencing the same. It’s my hope that one day, my children will read this and understand the ups and downs of what we went through.

This is a reminder of what I had to go through (bleeding for close to 4 months, miscarriage, breast lump discovery/removal, journey to recovery and pregnancy) and a form of closure for the dark period.

I write when I can and when I know I can write as objectively as I can.

I’m not an expert but I read up a lot. What I felt was lacking during my miscarriage period was the support. People say the darndest and wrong things. I hope my journey would help you overcome the painful period. During my pregnancy and raging hormones, people continued to irritate me with their opinions and such… and I share how I got through them.

Feel free to connect with me. Would love to hear from you 🙂